Monday Lovely: Conversations

Little A & Z yesterday at the Living Traditions festival.

Little A: Goodbye, Mama! You are going to work?

Me: Yes, honey, I am. I will see you later. Have fun with Daddy today!

Little A: My cookie monster has a hole.  He has a tear.

Me: Oh no! I can fix it. I will sew him up later when I get home.

Little A: You will?! Oh, Mama. You are the most beautiful mama in the world!

Me: Thank you! I love you so much.

Little A: I love you, too. Can I have a hug? I love your kisses.



.

Overheard: Loyal

Me: What did you think of Lady Gaga and her egg at the Grammys?

Him: * glancing up in disgust * Well, it was no Madonna emerging from a disco ball during the Confessions tour, I'll tell you that much. 

.

Overheard: Partying Like Rock Stars

Me: Oh. My. Gosh. Tonight on Iron Chef it's Battle: Cabbage!

Him: I love cabbage.

Me: This is the best Saturday night ever.

.

Overheard: Exercise

Him: I really like that the new car has those push-button windows.

Me: What do you mean? Our old car has push-button windows.

Him: No, the new one has one-touch, push-button windows. You just push it once, quickly and the window rolls down by itself.

Me: Our old car had that.

Him: But it didn't have that for rolling the windows back up. The new one does.

Me: Was it really that hard to hold your finger on the button for five seconds to roll it up?

Him: It was annoying. It's much easier to just push the button once.

Me: I can't believe some people think Americans are lazy.


.

Overheard: True love

This weekend I was able to meet up with one of my good friends/former coworkers. We had a great time catching up and reliving the crazy stories that happened daily with our former employer. At this company, our boss and his wife worked together and had a, shall we say, tumultuous relationship that made for an interesting office environment.

Our storytelling brought me back to a specific conversation that occurred shortly before I quit. Our boss was out of town and his wife and I were talking about his schedule with this latest overseas adventure.

Me: Wow, that trip he is on sounds exciting.

Her: I know, it really is. But I'm very nervous about it.

Me: You are? Why?

Her: Well, it just sounds kind of dangerous. He's flying around that country in a tiny plane. What if it crashed in the ocean and nobody even knew where to look for them?

Me: * Blinking in disbelief that she actually cares about her husband. My heart is warmed.*

Her: I mean, for me to get his life insurance they have to find a body.


.

Overhead: Documentary

"Well if you would just watch House Bunny, you would understand that not all sororities are like that."


.

Overheard: At least the last part is true

Me: Oh those sweaters look so cute on TV.

Him: See son, those are nerds.

Me: Whatever! They are student body officers.

Him: Exactly.

Me: Uh, excuse me. I was a student body officer.

Him: * Laughs *

Me: And don't tell my baby I was a nerd.

Him: OK, son. Those people are nerds, but you still have to be nice to them.
They may be your boss one day.

Me: * Coughs *

Him: Or your wife. Which is the same thing.


.

Overheard: I thought I heard the same thing from Cousin Eddie

Very sweet, heavily Southern-accented sales girl in the fabric section of an unnamed big box retailer: Oh my gosh! When’s your baby due?

Me: Next month.

VSHSASGFSUBBR: I thought it was soon. You look so funny with your big ol’ belly pokin’ out from your iddybiddy body.

Me: Uh, thanks.

VSHSASGFSUBBR: My friend just had a baby last week. It was backwards and the doctors had to pull real’ hard on the legs but it finally came out. Legs first.

Me: Wow. That sounds terrible.

VSHSASGFSUBBR: It ended up bein’ fine. When I had my daughter, I broke all the blood vessels in my face because I pushed so hard.

Me: Oh, that’s awful.

VSHSASGFSUBBR: It was OK. But my mama had a real easy labor with me. She just walked out on the front porch and I slipped right out! She didn’t feel nothin’. I just slipped out and fell right on my head.

Me: Wow. That sounds like an easy labor. I hope that happens to me.

VSHSASGFSUBBR: ‘Cept I got a skull fracture. From fallin’ on my head.

Me: Oh, I’m sorry. How scary.

VSHSASGFSUBBR: I was all right, though. But--(* leans across fabric counter, points to forehead *) look: I have a dent. My head never did look right.


.

Overheard: Motherhood Edition

A transcript of my Gmail Chat with one of my very maternal friends:

Her: Has your doctor moved the due date?

Me: No, it's still the same day. I go in for another appt. on Thursday. Hopefully he will have flipped around so that he's not facing the wrong way anymore.

Her He didn't flip around when you were here? What the hell was he doing???

Me: I have NO idea, he was moving so much!

Her: Babies can be real weirdos sometimes.

Overheard: Match Making

Upon boarding a train from Rome to Florence, we spied a wonderful, wonderful woman. She was, ahem, a very large lady and was wearing some not-large-enough stretch pants, a blouse decorated with loudly colored cartoon characters, bright red Sally Jesse Raphael-esque eyeglasses and pink and blond-ish hair that was half pulled up into a wild ponytail. She also sported an ample of amount of makeup and was escorted by her multiple pieces of fluorescent pink luggage. Upon my deathbed, I know that it will be one of my life's greatest disappointments that I was not able to get a photo of her.

Despite the fact that the train was completely full, the ride was eerily silent. So much so, that Zach and I, seated across from each other, whispered to talk to one another so as not to disturb our fellow passengers (and you know how hard it is for him to whisper).

The only thing to break up the silence on the crowded train was our heroine and her cell phone. Fortunately for everyone on board, she did not speak softly.

Below is a rough transcript of her conversation (thanks to Maegan and her interpreting skills):

Hello?

Hello?!

Who is this?

Oh, yes, I saw your profile.

I'm on a train.

I'M ON A TRAIN. I'm going to visit my daughter.

So, what do you do for work?

You work in an office?

Oh, you sound like someone I would like to get to know.

Well, maybe I could meet you, but I need a close-up picture so I can see if you are beautiful.

I know, but the picture on your profile was from far away. I need a close-up one so I can see if you are beautiful.

You should give me your phone number so I can call you.

*Pause*

Hello? What is your phone number?

Hello?

Hello?

Hello?????


.

Overheard: One-track minds

Below is a transcript of several comments I heard in our open-floor-plan office. All of the comments were not part of the same conversation, but since I heard them one right after the other, it sounded like they were and made for an interesting eavesdropping moment:

Person 1: Are you really going to pee on that?

Person 2: Don't worry, I'm bringing the bag.

Person 3: I just have to tell myself: 'Remember to pass along the poo!'


In case you were wondering, or are planning to ask the health department to make a friendly stop by our marketing firm:

Person 1: Was asking our boss about a free PH-level test she found in a magazine.

Person 2: Reminding our department she is bringing the Halloween candy to the meeting.

Person 3: Talking about how she doesn't want to forget about the rubber dog poo that's on her desk and has been making its way around as the latest office prank.


.

Overheard: Potential Employee

Z & I have been on the hunt for a rocking chair that fits our "cozy modern" aesthetic and our Deseret Industries-level budget. Not an easy feat. We went to a local furniture superstore, you know, one of those with the horrible ads and endless direct mail pieces, to check out the inventory.

In the first five minutes of walking into the store we were chased, er, greeted by no fewer than five commissioned salesmen, including one nice, 50-ish white-haired gentleman who had this brief exchange with us:

Salesman: What can I help you with today?

Zach: Oh, we're fine. Just looking at rocking chairs.

Salesman: We have plenty of selection.

Z: Yes, I see that. Thanks, we'll let you know if we need any help. We're just looking today.

S: How about this wooden glider rocker?

Me: That's nice but it's not really the style of what we're looking for. Thanks anyway.

S: You know, this one is going for $425, and with the ottoman it's well over $600.

Me: Wow. Yeah, we're not interested in it. Thanks, though.

S: * Leans in and whispers * I have one in my garage. Brand new. I can sell you the whole thing for $300. But don't tell my boss.

* Awkward silence *

* We observe his glassy-eyed stare *

Z: Uh, no thanks.

S: *Whispers again * How about an exercise bike? Brand new. $200.

Z: No. We really don't need one.

* Z & I scan the store for the quickest exit *

S: What kind of work you in?

Z: I own a pizza restaurant.

S: Interesting.

* Pause *

S: Do you fire people a lot?

Z: Uh, sometimes.

S: You drug test?


.

Overheard: Their services are held next to baggage claim

Her: What's that guy wearing? Is he in that weird religion?

Me: What weird religion?

Her: You know. The airport one.


.

Overheard: Sure to replace the "honor student" bumper sticker

Proud Mom: Our son can't talk, but he can make an awesome fart noise.



-

Overheard: Family Values

Girl 1: All I really wanted was for someone to bring those Tootsie Rolls to our meeting.

Girl 2: I'm on it. I respond well to guilt trips; my parents are divorced.

Overheard: Agency Meeting, Fiber Edition

Account manager: Our new client makes a weight-loss ingredient, it's really cool, kind of a high-tech fiber supplement.

Agency partner: Speaking of fiber, I had one of those FiberOne bars.

Account manager: What did you think of it?

Agency partner: It gave me instant farts.

Agency manager: Oh, um, well, you can try this one. It doesn't cause any side effects.

Office manager: But we'll have to make him work outside. Just in case.

Overheard: Should have been a zoologist

Her: What are you watching?

Him: A show about sasquatch.

Her: Oh.

Him: I wonder what they call female sasquatch.

Her: I have no idea.

Him: Oh, never mind. I know.

Her: What?

Him: Snatchsquatch.
* Laughing hysterically *

Her: Wow.

Overheard: Monopolizing

Player 1: That's a perfect purchase for you.

Player 2: Why?

Player 1: Because you smell like you have a lot in common with B & O Railroad, if you know what I'm sayin'.

Overheard: Serious Confession

Him: So, I've been thinking. I need to apologize.

Her: Why?

Him: Because that day we were at Arby's? I feel like I really pushed the French dip on you.

Her: I've been meaning to talk to you about that.

Overheard: Respecting Boundaries

Her: *Opens door* Why is your door closed?

Me: Because I have to get something done and I need to focus.

Her: *Walks in* So you don't want anyone coming in and bugging you?

Me: Exactly.

Her: Well, closed doors don't mean anything to me.

Me: Obviously.